Diary of an ex-gay man by Jake Taylor

(from the Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays website www.pfox.org)

About me

Hello. My name is Jake. I'm a young man in my 20’s from the United Kingdom. At one time I was only attracted to other guys. I didn't find girls emotionally or physically appealing in any way. I was gay, I had boyfriends (fell "in love"), and slept around with other men anonymously for sexual thrills. However, like some other gay people, I was not happy (although the sex was admittedly fun at times and highly addictive). I did not want my future to be like that of the pathetic old gay men I saw in the "gay" world.

Thankfully, in March 2003 I discovered a form of psychotherapy, often called Reparative Therapy or Gender Affirmation therapy. It attempts to treat the root causes of your homosexuality, and gradually allow your heterosexual "true self" to appear. The therapy has success rate typical for most forms of psychotherapy, about a third of persons who do it properly and don't give up experience "good change." Thanks to much determination, I am among those for whom it has worked well. My homosexual attractions have diminished significantly, and I have been experiencing greater and greater heterosexual feelings for the first time. Hopefully I will continue to progress even further.

Here in my diary, I reveal the daily struggles and successes of a person struggling with unwanted same sex attraction (SSA).

Development : Over two decades ago, I was born a healthy heterosexual baby boy. However, of the next few years, foundation stones would be laid, finally to be built upon by same-sex attraction.

Of the many things that contributed to my SSA, I'd have to say the most significant were wounds inflicted by my peers - making me feel excluded, inferior, etc., to other males. Although that may have not happened if my mother hadn't been so over-protective of me when I was a child, and had actually encouraged me to mix with the other children and play sports with them. My parents set me up for SSA, but it was my peers that finally hammered the nails into the coffin.  Even if my parents were perfect, I still may have developed SSA.

When I was a teenager, I developed an acute inferiority complex with regards to anything masculine. I felt totally inferior to the men I saw around me and on TV, and as much as I wanted to "be a man," that goal always felt far beyond my reach. I wanted to be a strong, tall, and confident man. Instead I felt like a weak, short, excluded, and inferior boy. Hence, I started to admire the masculine appearance of men, as something I wanted to achieve but never could. Mixed with the loneliness, father-hunger, my overbearing mother, and early sexual experiences with other males, I longed for male affection so much that my SSA became firmly rooted in my mind and heart.

I add to this the influence of the media - telling me that my feelings meant I was "gay" (rather than the genuine needs for male affections and affirmation that they really were) and nothing could be done about it. The media also made me believe that the only way to get the affection from other males that I needed and wanted was by homosexual means.

A 'gay' life: Needless to say, by the time I was twelve years old, my sexual feelings had been set as entirely homosexual. By the time I was twenty years old I had slept around with many other males, had a handful of boyfriends, and was heavily addicted to gay pornography. However, I was unhappy. The gay life of constant sex, blood tests, and fleeting relationships quickly became empty. The fashionable gay culture soon seemed pathetic, bitchy, selfish, materialistic, and shallow.

Now  I, Jake, am an ex-gay man in my 20’s from England. This diary is for all those who are opposed to the idea of change in sexual orientation.   Experts have been researching sexuality for decades. They tell us sexuality is a changing and fluidic entity in many people. Data shows that sexual feelings can vary over the course of a lifetime. The statistically proven fact is that many people change their sexual orientation. I am one of those persons.

I don’t feel very sexually attracted to men anymore; I now find girls much more attractive.  At one time, I did not. Now, I do.

At one time on lonely nights I fell asleep imagining myself cuddled up with another man; now I can only imagine myself with a feminine girl.

Some people are uncomfortable with this fact. They are so insecure with their own sexuality that they cannot accept that some people no longer share their feelings. They’re more than happy to see people turn gay, but they don’t like it happening the other way around. Sometimes men like myself are called hate-mongers. Simply because I don’t want to have sex with men anymore!

Would they like me to keep quiet about my sexuality change, to “live a lie” and deny that anything happened? The answer seems to be yes! They wish to silence me, deny me the right to live my life as I choose, and would like to force me to lead a lifestyle that they think is right!
Not only am I not gay any more, but I'm happier too. I will lead my life the way I choose to lead it - not the way anyone else tells me to. I chose to change my sexuality. And it worked.

To quote the gay rights protesters,
I’m here,  I’m no longer queer, 
GET USED TO IT!                             Signed, Jake